A Yearning Belly

I read this article today posted by a friend on Facebook. In it she discusses that feeling from deep within her belly, a yearning, to bear more children. In a sense, a gut feeling, that the Lord is not yet done with her body or her family. I have often talked about this and had people look at me with this crazy eyed, "are you nuts" kind of stare. Apparently not all women experience this type of feeling when it comes to child bearing. But, I also believe many women do experience this feeling. They instinctively know the Lord is not yet done with their family and has so planted a desire deep within their womb, the LIFE GIVING SOURCE, in order to carry it out. It's a wild and taxing thing to explain; the pure and unequivocal beauty of carrying, birthing, holding, sustaining (breastfeeding) and nurturing a new LIFE as a mother. And then to further explain how ones spirit, very essence would long to do it all again from so deep within. I feel sorry for men actually. They are robbed in a way of the pure awesomeness of this experience. The churning new life within your womb, the breath of giving life as a mother labors, and the calling of your breasts to nurture and give force to this new life.

In many ways men experience joyful things in parenthood that women don't experience, so I'm not man bashing I'm simply stating they miss out on this particular part of the miracle of life.

Just as the author in the article, since the time I was a little girl I knew I wanted a large family. It is as though G-d planted that desire deep within my heart as a part of my very essence.

I believe that because we are all created in His image and he is the author of life, we too have an innate desire to author and give life. Some of us in our modern culture suppress those innate desires and fill the hole with external measures such as career, partying, freedom, etc. Our current culture does not any longer value children as the Creator does. But, none-the-less the innate desire is there whether suppressed or not.

I have been very aware of my desire to have a large family since I can remember. In fact, when Justin and I met I told him I wanted 7 children. He very readily agreed! Ha...if we'd both only known what raising children would really require from us and from within us and what it would reveal and teach us. But, even when we were surprised with twins and I had moments of complete disbelief in the Lord's provision (in which He has always proved me wrong), my built in, gut nagging, yearning womb told me there were more children for our family. There was a time when we (Justin and I) were reading and considering being what they call a "Quiverful" family. Now, we are a quiverful family. Our quiver is quite full! But, Quiverful is also the name of a movement in which the number of children you bear is left entirely up to the Lord and one does not intervene nor doubt in His divine plan or provisions. I was fascinated. To think I could trust G-d with this yearning...that He put there, to fulfill it and provide for it. I was on board. My husband, just like the author of the article, not as much. I do believe he prayed and considered the ins and outs of such a plan...to allow the Lord to decide. I cannot say whether it is by prayerful, heavenly determination or wordly concern that he has decided our family would not follow this path.

By worldly concern, I do not mean he has not considered the Lord nor am I calling him worldly. Rather he has concerns or natural feelings of wanting to move on to the next stage, looking towards them growing older, the financial implications or more children, lugging strollers, changing diapers, having me always holding an, albeit precious, but always holding a baby, having a large enough vehicle, and so many more "worldly" considerations. I suppose I call it that because we all know the Lord can provide finances, he has for us all along. We know being able to take vacations and have more freedom isn't the primary purpose nor need as a parent, they are desires. There are sacrifices involved. So, it isn't that those things don't matter but rather they are not heavenly reasons to not have more children.

I will admit I was disappointed about this in the beginning. Hurt at the thought that he may find things like sippy cups filled with old milk, strollers, little feet running in the house, sleepless nights, and me holding a baby something he wanted to move forward from. I had read all the information about being "Quiverful" and felt very excited at the idea of never really having an empty belly or purpose (rather than between children). I mean, it's what I've been waiting for all my life right? I have a yearning...a yearning here. How can he decide that this chapter must close and the next open? Doesn't he know about my aching womb so deeply wanting to bare children? He couldn't understand the earthly force of nursing a newborn? Right?

I mean I like the idea of vacations without napping children too. I like the idea of riding a motorcycle with him someday. I like the idea of sleeping through the night again. Yet...I was so willing to delay those things in order to enjoy those tiny precious toes, laughing giggles, bedtime prayers and songs, sippy cups, strollers, and diapers. I mean I can't have children FOREVER. It will someday stop.

I decided I couldn't be upset about my husband not wanting me to bare children inevitably and for seeing our live together differently than me. I prayed and asked G-d to loosen my grip from the idea of baring children till He decided I was done. I mean, truthfully, if I honor my husband and I let it go...G-d will still do what G-d has planned to do and He will bless us for my honoring my husband. At this point, we were on baby number 4. Our first girl and I absolutely knew we weren't done.

Instead of continuing to talk about being "Quiverful" I focused my attention to the immediate. In this moment did we want to have another baby. And then to ask the question again when the time was right...shall we have another. At each junction Justin agreed to have another baby. Between Westin and our now youngest baby, Beau, we had a miscarriage, making our final count of babies at this time...7. 

My yearning isn't calling to me loudly as it certainly once did. We now have a full house of 6 children and LOTS of love, LOTS of sacrifice, and LOTS of WORK, but it is a heavenly work. The aching of my belly isn't completely gone. How could it be, I was made to create life.  I look at those ten precious toes of my newest, 5 month old baby boy and realize maybe it might never go away. It is what I was created to do, commanded to do by G-d (multiply and replenish the earth), and I get to participate withe Lord in the creation of life. It is amazing. I do not know what the future holds. I love laboring and birthing children, watching them grow, nursing them, holding them, looking to see who they resemble more, and I love watching my children with each new baby. They never tire of their new brother.

I've been wondering if my yearning has subsided some so G-d could open my heart to adoption. I have less desire to have children till my 40's as I once did. Justin and I might be meeting in the middle somehow. Regardless of all that I know I will mourn some when we finally decide there will be no more. I know Justin will read this and resoundingly say he has already decided. But, one never knows what the Lord has planned! (Don't worry honey, I mostly mean adoption)