Letter to Cole

Motherhood is hard...just plain and simple.  We bring our own baggage into the experience that then mesh with our hopes and dreams for our children and somehow they get all marbled together while we learn to raise boys into men.

None of it is going how I thought it would go when this sweet, amazing, precious, G-d designed person came out of my swollen womb, taking his first breath of life and whispering G-d's name with his voice.  Motherhood has been an evolving and glorious experience that I couldn't even begin to describe.

What I can describe (whether I, and certainly not without the Lord,  am able to bring it to life for him) is what I desire and feel for my son.  Since he turned 8 in July, I wanted to write a letter to him.  When he was small I would journal for him.  Writing with a pen and paper is quickly a thing of the past.  So, here we are 8 years later and I'd like to write him a birthday letter.

In many ways I will fall short of all the things I had envision, planned, or thought I wanted to do for him and with him as a mother (I way underestimated sin nature and the battle of the flesh), there is no QUESTION how much I love him.  With each season we go through I learn more about him and he learns more about who G-d wants him to be.  We are both rolling with the waves on this one and each coming out better in the end (at least that is my hope and prayer and trust the Lord will be faithful).

Dear Cole,

I Love You!  Nothing could ever change that.  I knew I was destined to be a mother and I knew G-d had something special for me, but I did not nor could I imagine the true depth of love motherhood has to offer.  It has opened my heart in ways I never expected. Love is also constantly moving and growing and flowing as you grow and we approach this thing together.

You are quite an amazing young man.  There is just no one else like you.  So smart, quick witted, observant, passionate, capable, helpful, energetic, funny...I could go on and on.  There is nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it.  I have watched you forge your own way in so many things.  You move me and I'm inspired by you .

My prayer for you is of a softer nature.  I prayed when you were being knit in my womb that you would be a leader, a friend, and a follower of Christ.  G-d has gifted you with so many strong qualities. The prayer for your life is that you would take those strong character traits and allow the Lord to fashion them into love, gentleness, generosity, caring, and a commitment to put others first.  G-d has a plan and a purpose for your life and although at times it get confusing with the battle or flesh and spirit, I know the Lord has his hand on your life.

I know, at times, I don't help you find the truth about your life and who you are called to be.  Things around here can be crazy and demanding of all of us.  You are so incredible to handle being the oldest of six children.  I can sometimes get short tempered, have high expectations (only because I know you can do it and I want you to be a solid man), focus on things that don't matter, and I can be too tired to give you what you need.  I am sorry.  Please forgive me.  It is not my desire and I am working on the things I need to improve in order to be the mother G-d wants me to be.

This is why it is so important that you get your identity from the Lord.  I may be the vessel G-d has chosen to raise you up but the true example for your life is Him.  I am human and I will fall short from time to time but together we can look to the Lord to find our way.

Cole, love G-d and love others.  Be courageous as you are and learn to be tender and gentle in spirit when the time is right.  Show your dedication the Lord by your service to others.  Think of yourself second and try to make righteous decisions that would please the Father.

I will always be here son.  You are a light in my life. I will always be your mom. I will be your biggest fan.  I will reflect to you what you need to see in yourself as you grow so someday I can simply enjoy who you've become.

I enjoy watching you grow.  Even when things are in an off kind of phase and things seem harder than we'd like them to be.  You amaze me and blow me away daily.  You truly don't see your potential the way I do, because life is lived in the moment for you. Don't let the moments be missed opportunities.

Be proud of who G-d made you but humble enough to see an opportunity to improve.  Find your passion, what your calling in is life, the passion G-d has implanted into your heart.  You are truly a special guy, and my favorite oldest son.

Love,
Mom XO
Your one and only mom who you can always come home to. I Love You!

Letter to Beau

My precious Beau Everett MacIsaac Martin,

There has been no greater blessing in my life than becoming your mom.  Months before you were even conceived you were loved, desired, wanted, treasured and we didn't even know yet who or what you would become. We simply knew we wanted you. 

I had lost a baby in April 2012, 12 weeks along and it stirred real, genuine sadness within me.  I was so excited to have another baby. Already day dreaming about it being a boy or a girl.  I knew G-d had special plans for our family and that although I couldn't undo losing that little precious one He had something in store for us.  My heart was immediately open to trying to have another baby.  G-d made me be patient.  He held things off even with all our efforts to conceive until just the right time.  

In the Summer of 2012 we made you.  Loved and longed for...we were already counting down the days till your arrival. 

I wasn't sure how this pregnancy would go. The others have had moments of morning sickness (some others more than other) and fatigue.  I decided to try Essential Oil Vitamins which are loaded with peppermint and frankincense.  It actually worked. I felt great.  I can't say was the oils or maybe just a miraculous blessing from G-d, which is more possible, but I felt great.  

This great-feeling-pregnancy made it all the more possible to LOVE you. As if it's possible to love you more than I already did. I suppose I just mean I could really ENJOY it. It was seeming this pregnancy might be my last. Lucky baby #7 and our family was blessed beyond measure.  I really wanted to take it all in.  I spent a lot of time feeling you kick and roll in there.  The nightly hiccups reminded me that you were already so full of life.  

My darling boy, you are a true pleasure and joy to add to our family.  You came into this world, taking your first breath almost 1 year after I lost our little baby.  You have been the rainbow we all looked forward to. My labor and birth to you was one of the most special experiences of my life.  Your precious little head rolled out of my womb and you took your first breath in my arms.  Everyone watching and holding their own breath to see you take yours.  

To finally hold you in my arms made perfect sense.  It's as if you've always been in our family.  It is right where you are supposed to be.  Here...now...in this place...in this birth order...in a family that treasures small ones.  

I can't wait to see you grow...oh wait, no don't grow.  I want you small and squishy forever.  I love you small man.  You are my little Beau...beautiful, perfect and sent by G-d.  

I know you will be a happy man, a good friend, a loveable follower of Jesus.  My prayer is that you find your purpose in this life.  That G-d would grab your heart and you would never let go.  

I will always be your mommy and you will always be my special Beau.

Love,

Mom