10 years since HS Graduation

I've been thinking the past few weeks as my 10 year high school reunion approaches how much time changes and matures a person (hopefully). Not to say I've arrived by any means, but I can clearly see growth in my mind's eye, my perception of who I am and who other's are. I sometimes do the same thing to other's that I detest being done to me: I keep them trapped in a box. It is so easy to do. You don't talk to someone for some time, you only hear bits and pieces of information about their current life and I suddenly fill in the blanks with my own perception of who they are based upon who they once were. This is the exact thing I've complained of being done to me.

My intentions ove the last 29 years were mostly good. I wanted to be friends with everyone. I would say overall I achieved that on a very superfiscial and ingenuine way. As far as friends from school are concerned (as opposed to my friends from church) my relationships were never based upon truth. Secretly, mostly, I wanted everyone to like me! That is something to take note of as I grow older b/c I'm pretty much still that way. I want to be liked, seen as friendly, perceived as loyal and giving. This leads to so many spiraling attributes if I'm not careful. I have grown to realize that it is okay if not everyone likes me. I must speak the truth in love to those I have relationships with and they may not always like that. I think I've grown into an honest and straightfoward person, not leaving much to be assumed. Sometimes this poses it's own problems. People are easily offended. I think I've decided to stay on the honest and truthful side of the fence versus the pleasing, needing everyone to like me side. It causes more turmoil for me feeling conflicted between what I say and really think.

I have found more of my identity in the Lord than in people. I have a long way to go but I've started valuing what he says about me more than what others say and even my own self talk. I find myself living for Him more and other's less. I think this growth will have it's own remarkable outcomes down the road.

I, at times, still find it difficult not to want to be a pleaser. To be everyones friend and have everyone like me. But, as the song says, and I have to remember, "I'm not who I was." That feels vindicating for me. I could easily get trapped in a swap of remorse for those I've wronged, those I've hurt, decisions I've made that involved others, mistakes I made not taken seriously. I can't take those back. I simply have to find victory in saying "I'm not who I was."

It will be interesting this weekend as I see old classmates and talk over old and new times. I'm not sure if I'm nervous, excited or just confident in who I am. I'd like to be the latter. But, at times I feel anxious that I might lose myself being around old friends. I pray I might be a light to them. Care for each one of them the way I should have back then. I pray they see Jesus in me!