The Sad Truth

Sadly, after finally getting around to posting about the new baby, we have sad news.  That precious little baby was taken to Heaven on April 15th.  The reality is I'm not actually sure when the heart beat slipped away but for us, closure came that Sunday.

I've spent the last several days praying, thinking, quietly breathing it all in and out to consider God's hand in the loss and the path ahead.  I'm mixed with emotions. 

Guilt, grief, disappointment, relief of the passing after four days of miscarrying.  God has even been faithful in allowing it to pass naturally.

There is guilt for being sad when so many people suffer the same or worse losses. 


Grief and disappointment to know there will be no baby in November. 


God must be here in this loss...His will hasn't slipped from us...we are right in the middle of it but somehow can't see through the fog of it all.


I have tried to make sense of it with my own human nature.  The why's and how's of it all.  I simply know I cannot make sense of God's perfect, faithful plan.  We must only trust it.


Trust...Faith...Rest...all difficult words in the times of sadness, loss, struggle, or hardship.  They roll off the tongue easily but settling into the heart is another story.


These are not things I can say I did well through the growth of my relationship with God.  He has slowly refined my perspective as disappointments come and go.  They've come both walking in His will as well as out of His will. As Christians we are not exempt from trials, opportunities to trust, follow, rest and obey.


I can see, looking back, how I've been able to see more of God's plan and trust more of His will.  Only recently in my adult life as a mother and a wife with a solid Christian husband have I been able to pause in a moment of disappointment to refresh where my value, trust and faith lies. 


In HIM, in HIM, in HIM, my mind repeats it over and over as my human nature attempts to thwart this trust  of Him and His will. 


In the moments when the bleeding began I had retained hope.  Maybe this was nothing, just some first trimester spotting. It wasn't anything heavy.  

As I went to sleep that night I prayed to the Lord for clarity as to whether I should go in or wait it out.  When I woke in the morning I clearly heard God whisper to me..."Go".  I called and was able to see someone that day, and God provided a sitter for my children so I might go alone.

In the hours leading up to my appointment I repeated to myself that the Lord's will would remain most important. I would trust. I would rely on Him. I couldn't change His ultimate design.

In the moments leading up to the confirmation as the bleeding became heavier, I just knew...

As I heard her say the baby did not have a heartbeat I felt the weight of the unknown lift and my grief began, and relief actually set in.

It was a strange feeling really.  Sad for losing the baby but relieved to finally know for sure what my instincts had already told me.  God had been whispering to me so the news did not shock more than it provided relief.

The kids happened to be playing outside so I took a moment to cry, to consider what it all meant, to wonder what would happen next and to tell them the news.  The next few hours I asked myself lots of questions and God quietly said, "Me...think of me."

It did not stop the wondering but rather soothed it. I had to keep coming back to Him. There was no other answer.  He was the giving and taker of life...He gave and He took and He has a plan.

There was plenty of temptation to blame myself, be too sad, angry...emotions can go crazy.  I tried to quiet them all and just try to find the joy.

We have been given so much.  We are truly blessed with our five, beautiful, healthy children. How could I ask God for more?  If He gives more...we will rejoice.

My desire for a sixth child has not been shaken. I will not let fear hold me back from what is the Lord's to decide.  Caution has stirred inside of me. I've taken for granted the gift of five beautiful children, naturally conceived and long grown and nurtured in the womb.


It's been a week now since the baby passed from my body and the hope of November 2 has come and gone.  A NEW DAY will be given if God gives us 6 and if we will remain at 5 we will be THANKFUL.


I'm sure this will take reminding.  It is so easy to think ahead, to hope for what you don't have, to consider what you want rather than rejoicing in what you have. 


LORD, help me to rejoice in what you have given to us. Remind us of your Grace, Mercy and Faithfulness. In those moments of weakness whisper to me where my value lies.